The beginnings of Adoptive Parents Association
I have been interacting with members of SuDatta for 2 years right from the time my husband and I began to think of adopting our second child, who is now 2 years old. As this year’s (2007) anniversary celebrations began, I wondered how the group came into being.
- What brought 3 enterprising young couples together to initiate this support group?
- How had it endured, and matured?
- How did it grow from a clique of 3 families to 120 members?
- Why do some new members join SuDatta and then disappear?
“It was at a program in 1996, organised for parents who had adopted from Vatsalya Charitable Trust, that we three families met,” explained M.N Kamath. “Well, the interesting thing is that Saraswati and I had often been meeting at our daughters’ school without knowing that we are both adoptive mothers, so we were pleasantly surprised to see each other at Vatsalya” added Sheela Kamath laughing at the coincidence.
“And what about Vidya Shankar and S. Shankar? Weren’t they from Chennai?” I asked.
“Well, yes, they had adopted their son from Chennai, where they already started an adoptive parents group. Then Shankar got transferred to Bangalore in June 1996. Vidya Shankar was looking to meet other adoptive parents when she chanced upon a newspaper announcement of the Vatsalya Parents’ Meet,” said Dr. Saraswati Srinath.
“I invited myself into the gathering, much to everyone’s surprise. I apologized for gate-crashing and then proceeded to explain about how meeting other a-parents could be taken many steps further to form a formal group”, recalled Vidya. “I met Saraswati and Sheela at the foot of the stairs in a basement at Vatsalya! And we decided to meet again”. “And what was it that drew the 3 of you together?” I inquired.
“Our common concern was how to go about telling our children, who were pre-schoolers by this time. That was the original aim of forming a group.” clarified Kamath. “Our initial few meetings had just the 3 of us, though we kept inviting other adoptive couples. We sent a small write-up to a local paper which drew another 2 members, Radha Nagesh and Gayitri Bhatt. We went ahead and thought of launching a group formally. This time we spread the word through all the institutions and got a good number of responses.”
“In September 1997, Adoptive Parents Association, APA in short, came into being. We formed the first committee with my husband Dr. K. S. Srinath as the President, Sheela became the treasurer, and Deepak Nakra accepted to be the Secretary,” Saraswati remembered.
And then…APA organised its first program in November 1997 which was conducted on the premises of the Karnataka State Council for Child Welfare. A lively panel discussion took place between four adoptive parents of whom three were adoption professionals themselves; the audience had many questions at this first of its kind activity in Bangalore.
More families joined in thereafter. In the following months they got busy organizing their next major event. A two day workshop was to take place in November 1998 bringing social workers, mental health professionals and parents together to interact and understand the uniqueness of adoption scenario in India.
This residential workshop was scheduled to be held at Visthar on the northern outskirts on Bangalore. Vidya’s vision backed by her enormous base of knowledge and contacts was equally matched by the commitment of a quick thinking and creative working group. This group managed to bring in a substantial financial sponsorship from CRY.
During one of the preparatory meetings at Radha’s house, we had a brainstorm session to arrive at an appropriate name for our association. An auspicious name emerged as Radha Nagesh put two Sanskrit terms together: SuDatta. It offered a special meaning for all of us who were in this journey with each other.
According to Wikipedia, members in a support group provide each other with various types of nonprofessional, nonmaterial help for a particular shared burdensome characteristic. The help may be in the form of providing relevant information, relating and listening to others’ personal experiences, providing sympathetic understanding and establishing social networks.
“Burdensome? Being in an adoptive family is not a burden, it’s a blessing”, I thought indignantly.
“We encourage openness about adoption within the family. This is why some new members withdraw, as they have doubts about telling their child about her/his adoptive status in an ongoing dialogue. They are possibly in a honeymoon period” explained Saraswati. I wondered aloud what that meant.
“Well, when their child is a baby or toddler, they are enjoying their new child. The child is still pre-verbal and fully protected from society. They tend to believe; adoptive or biological there is no difference. Issues start cropping up at age 7 or 8. And that’s when they return to SuDatta, for support.”
“Oh, so they don’t leave the group. That’s good, isn’t it?”
“Of course, but we don’t want SuDatta to be an Emergency Room. Families need not wait to participate only when the situation has reached a crisis. Prevention is better than cure!”
Shankar had more to add on these lines. He emphasized that there are differences in an adoptive family. Many adoption–built families pretend that their families are just like families built by birth, they read little about adoption, they don’t belong to adoptive parents groups thinking that they do not have problems and therefore do not need help.
This Rejection of Difference could be a continuation of the reaction to loss related to infertility. Elaborating on David Kirk’s theory of Acceptance of Difference which is supported by research, he validated our own experience that when adoptive parents and their children are able to acknowledge and truly accept the difference that adoption brings to their lives, closer relationships can be fostered.
Wikipedia also describes that in case of an identity or a pre-disposition or disease, for example, a support group will also provide ancillary support, by serving as a voice for the public or engaging in advocacy.
“Identity,” I thought approvingly. “Not burden. I‘m proud of my identity as an adoptive parent.”
Being different can be challenging for us and our children. We all instinctively seek supportive people if only to vent our feelings about marital, health-related, career, parenting challenges. I couldn’t share my frustration about my child’s health with my boss! But I have a friend whose child’s been there and survived it, and she’s my support group!
Support groups are for people with the same differences.
Be a part, don’t be apart